I don’t know about you but frankly, I think stilettos are just great. Talk about an instant make-over. Here’s an experiment girls and boys (no excuses boys). Stand flat-footed sideways on to the mirror and stand naturally. I’ll bet there are a few bulges and shapes you ain’t to happy with eh? Look, no one’s perfect, don’t beat yourself up about it, work with what you’ve got. I bet you’re gorgeous but if you’re really out of shape, get some exercise and eat less. If you’re really truly ugly, (I bet you’re not), panic not, that’s what alcohol, botox, masked balls and Gok Wan were invented for, (isn’t Gok just wonderful too by the way). So anyway, back to the experiment. Now you’ve realised how gorgeous you in fact are au-naturale, stick a pair of heels on your plates and trot back over to the mirror and look again – TA DAAAAH!!! Tits out, bum out, tum in, shoulders back, you looked good to start with, now you look bloody fabulous!!

Now boys, just about every girl on the planet knows this of course and some of the more astute among you may also have noticed the effect on a body of wearing high heels. Girls; I’ve just turned another unsuspecting group of innocent ‘lads’ into trotting wanna be drag queens just by putting them in heels, hold on to your lippy!

So anyways, the reason I’m even on this merry jaunt of unjustified keyboard abuse is because my new site needed a new blog and of course there are unexplainable scientific phenomena concerned with the wearing off high heels and the process of intended forward motion and dancing. Before we get too scientific, there is of course the all-important issue of height. Now I consider myself to be more than competent in heels, in fact, on the whole I prefer dancing in them and certainly have no issue with, all be it not catwalk caliber, I can usually maintain relatively graceful forward motion, exacerbating factors like alcohol not considered. Here are some height guides for the novices among you;

3 - 3 ½ inches: Walking running, tightrope walking, back flips, come on, this isn’t exactly testing is it?

4 – 4 ½ inches: My favourite, high enough to look utterly sexy, but comfortable enough to wear all night and dance in.

5 – 5 ½ inches: Now we’re getting serious, you look divine or like a total slapper. Regardless, your gonna be in agony in a few hours. “Ooh but I’ve got my ‘party feet’ in”, get off, you’re going down! You’d better a) not be planning an all-nighter, b) expecting relative sobriety if you want to stay upright.

6+ inches: We’re off to a fetish party aren’t we.

So on with the thesis, I’ve decided this is a thesis by the way. I’m thinking Nobel Prize; you’re becoming a part of history reading this, . . . or really bored. I have some developed some acronyms and summaries to scientifically describe the afore-mentioned inexplicable phenomena that occur when on heels.

S.H.E.
Sudden Heap Event

The Sudden Heap Event can happen at anytime and, it must be said, even when not in heels. Anything that causes you to drop suddenly into a heap from a giggling fit, a twisted ankle, sporting mishaps right through to acute diarrhoea.

R.I.S.C.
Risk of Injury, Sudden Collapse

Whenever you step out of the house, or even if you stay in the house for that matter, when wearing heels you run the risk of a R.I.S.C. This is when, without any warning, ‘drunk bias’ or uneven / slippery floor surface you find that both feet are well above head level and you are making rapid progress face first towards the floor. Often sounding similar to a car crash, the results are bone fractures at worst and broken pride at least.

F.A.L.L.
Floor Attack, Likely Legitimate

Now a good F.A.L.L. it has to be said, is often be at least partly your fault. In sane, sober day to day life, floor’s rarely attack anyone though when intoxicated (humans, not floors), it seems floors become much more aggressive and conspire against us. Invariably the result of a night on the vino or beers, rarely is there an eyewitness when it comes to floor attacks even when the victim is totally convinced the floor has maliciously attacked them. F.A.L.L.’s can occur by the floor ‘tripping the victim’ and causing them outright injury or considerably more entertaining for passers by and friends, simply preventing the victim from being able to get up off the floor without assistance.

C.R.A.P.
Collision Rapid, Acute Pain

The average C.R.A.P. is an everyday occurrence and happens to everyone. A slight loss of concentration, and unexpectedly high curb or a small step into or out of a DJ booth for example is all that’s required for a forward momentum off-balance stumble which gains momentum as you try to stop yourself from falling forwards. Much slower than the R.I.S.C, when you C.R.A.P. you know its coming and it’s usually one of those ‘slow motion nothing you can do about it but got plenty of time to see what it is you are going to slam into’ kind of experiences. You can C.R.A.P. into anything, other people, walls, cars, lamp-posts, generally sod’s law likes to intervene to make sure its the hardest and least forgiving type of surface making sure it really hurts when you C.R.A.P.

C.R.U.N.C.H
Catastrophic Drag Unintended Collision Happening

The ultimate in high-heel mishaps is the C.R.U.N.C.H. When more than one drag queen gathers under one roof there is bound to be drama of one kind or another. From over-zealous strutting, dancing or drinking or, as a result of a combination of the three, its likely if you keep your eyes peeled you will witness at least one particularly comic and spectacular C.R.U.N.C.H.

So there you go, you learn something everyday.

POPCOX – If the shoe fits…