Expenses never felt so good! If you’re an MP, or a drag queen at least.

So there was me thinking I had a pretty cushy number being a legitimate tax legal drag queen being able to claim eye lashes, make up, wigs and, yes, SHOES on my expenses! Straight up, my accountant says anything you can prove is ‘bought for the sole purpose of work’ can legitimately be claimed as a business expense, WHOOP WHOOP! Well come on, I’m hardly going to spend hours getting dolled up, wear 6 inch heels and a sequined designer dress to pop out to the corner shop to get a pint of milk and a paper am I? . . . well actually, it certainly would be fun, then again, also pretty high on the ‘101 ways to get stabbed in Dalston’ listings so I think we’ll leave that one alone.

They jewels in my crown of blush worthy expenses are £127 quid for a missed flight back from Ibiza, and £80 taxi ride home from a corporate function I accidentally got paralytic at (someone must have spiked the 8 bottles of white wine I devoured). It was in Café De Paris – I passed out in the toilet and woke up slung over the shoulder of the bouncer going up the stairs before being forcibly ejected – I’m just glad I didn’t have to pay for the toilet door they had to break down or the cleaning bill for impressively re-decorating every single surface of their classy toilets with my own fragrant brand of BLAAAUGGGHHHH!!! All in my miss-spent youth of course please note and in the line of ‘corporate’ work when I did a ‘proper’ job and, thankfully, never in a dress.

Then there was the time I worked for another reputable organisation (this time music industry focused) and overheard my boss and a senior manager working out how they could claim expenses to entertain clients (on a trip to that same naughtiest of naughty white party Isles) to buy a load of gak with! Hope I’ve tiptoed round the laws of slander and libel there, if anyone asks I just have an overactive imagination. No, really, it honestly happened!

My anecdotes, and trust me there are plenty in my life, I’m like a bleedin’ chaos magnet, seem utter child’s play in comparison to claiming thousands, no, hundreds of thousands in some cases of public money for luxuries. The absolute Top Trump of idiocy and embarrassment has to be claiming your kinky hubbies pornos on expenses. I mean, what did the House of Commons embossed expenses form look like – 1 whirly twirly rampant rabbit with free batteries and lube, 2 sets of edible undies, 1 year Readers Wives Magazine subscription and a gold membership to http://www.nakedplumperladieswearingrainmacsridingunicornsandgivinggoodhead.com ? Aww come on Jacquipoo’s sweetie, we all like to get our rocks off or, failing that, crack one off alone but you soooo didn’t think that one through now did you? Taking a number 2 on one’s own doorstep me thinks never had a better definition than a gaff like that.

It’s just wonderful to see those honest, upright, trustworthy good citizens we know and love so dearly to run our country absolutely rinse the arse out of their expenses and then have a truly classic excuse in blaming the system. Just because under the definition of what qualifies as an MP expense its says ‘absolutely f***ing anything you want, don’t worry, Joe Public will foot the bill’ doesn’t mean its OK, who writes these damn laws and systems anyway, oh yeh, MPs do.